One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
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[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Morning my dudes.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
she has a point
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[eats all your cotton candy]
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.