Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.