I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
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Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester