[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
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Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I saw this ending much differently.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?