Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
this FaceApp is creepy af
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.