Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Oh my God.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend