My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.