I believe the plural is “milves.”
You Might Also Like
Bond. Trauma bond.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.