By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
i wish we could shoplift online
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus