Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
first you must answer his riddles
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
😎 🍻
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps