Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.