genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
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Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.