[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I have never related to anyone more.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom