HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
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Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago