Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
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Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume