I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party