“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
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checking out some reviews of my local library
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Two types of dogs.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse