Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My current situation
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve