My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
wow he looks just like him
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
goldfish mafia
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.