May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.