long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
In case you needed to hear it:
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.