It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]