Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
You Might Also Like
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
*seductively peels off lederhosen
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend