j o i m p
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!