BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I’m Sold!
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day