coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m Sold!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”