I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?