Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
The three genders.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.