It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.