Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Yes, but it was never about money
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl