I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper