If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?