Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
She was REALLY feeling it.