Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.