Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
You Might Also Like
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
What even happened today?
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Meanwhile in Canada…
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
The days of good grammer has went
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster