Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids