When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.