ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
You Might Also Like
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
groan^2
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.