Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
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[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens