I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total