i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Lucky old June.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.