Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
A fake ID that makes you younger
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
New menu item
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
real