My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Good boy 😂😂
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.