Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.