Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
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If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”