Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
You Might Also Like
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.