When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Just a phase…
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I’m literally crying
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!