pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Happy Febuary everyone!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!