Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
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I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*