Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
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One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.